Hubs had to head to campus today to work on a group project. He invited me along, not because there was anything I could do, but because he did not want me to have to sit at home alone. I politely declined. As much as I would have loved to spend the day with Hubby, I was not about to play the role of the overprotective wife who supervises her husband from the corner while he works on a project with two other girls. He laughed when I said that to him. Then I asked him not to cheat on me, which turned our jocular conversation real serious, real fast.
Hubs was instantly curious as to whether or not I honestly thought he would ever cheat on me. (This is a sore spot for us, as we had to overcome a huge jealousy issue early in our relationship.) I answered honestly; I told him that, while I have no suspicions that Hubs has or will ever cheat, I am concerned that, if we find out that I cannot give him a child, he will leave me. He quickly put my fears at rest, saying that he would never dream of punishing me like that. He did make it perfectly clear, however, that he would leave me if I ever give up on the idea of us having a child.
After spending the day thinking about this, I realized my husband and I have never talked about what we are and are not willing to do to bring a child into our family. Suddenly this seemed like a conversation we needed to have NOW. So we did.
Fortunately, Hubs and I are on a very similar page when it comes to which fertility treatments we are willing to pursue. We are both willing to try IUI and IVF, if necessary. While we are both willing to "hire" a gestational surrogate, neither of us want to use donor eggs / sperm. (We would rather have a child that is not related biologically to either of us than have a child that carries only one of our genes.) [I am actually not opposed to using donor sperm, but since my husband is respecting my wishes concerning donor eggs, I will respect his as well.] The jury is still out on the possibility of using donor embryos.
We have agreed that if we reach the point where we need to try IVF, we will start the adoption process while we are saving money for our IVF cycle. (I would rather get the paperwork and home-study done before an IVF cycle, so we can move on immediately if it fails.)
The only point of disagreement is when to try IUI. I want to TTC naturally during the summer months, but I have expressed a desire to do our first IUI in September (when I return to work), if we have not gotten pregnant by then. Hubby nods along when I bring this up, but I can tell his heart is not in it. He wants to do this on our own, since we have proven twice before that we can get pregnant. I get that, but I want a baby NOW, and if doing an IUI will help shorten our wait, I want to do it.
Maybe Hubby and I will get pregnant on our own and carry a baby to term sooner than later.
Maybe this blog post will be outdated and unnecessary in a month's time.
Regardless, after talking this all through with Hubby, I feel more prepared for what comes next.
I saw your comment on someone I found from the nest's blog, and thought I'd hop over and say hi!! We're both TTC, so even though I just started I thought since we have something in common I'd introduce myself. :) Hi!!
ReplyDeleteI have the same concerns about my DH. I know having kids is one of the most important things to him, and while we just not started TTC, its making me think. I went off the depo last summer, and ovulated for the first time that I know of last month. So technically we've only been trying one cycle (but it feels like longer because we were waiting for my cycle to come back to normal!). Still, when you're in high school and you hear your parents talking, it seems like getting pregnant is as easy as making out in someone's backseat. :) I didn't get pregnant on the first cycle, what if I can't? DH and I had that part of this conversation just recently, but we didn't talk about what lengths we would be willing to go to to get pregnant. I'm honestly not sure what I think!!
I'm glad your DH was able to reassure you that he will be there for you, that's so important. Hopefully it'll happen soon!! :)
That sounds like a really hard, and really important conversation to have. It's good to get things out in the open and find out where you agree and where compromise might be necessary. I really hope that this whole issue does end up being obsolete, but it can be so helpful to have a plan.
ReplyDeleteThe Mister and I have had similar discussions, over time. Setting limits and making plans really helps me feel long-term hopeful, even when I'm really worried about the short term future.
This is a bit of an old post, but hopefully you'll see it.
ReplyDeleteYou know, my dh and I never really had that conversation. Perhaps because our journey to baby went from ectopic to IVF in about 2 weeks flat, we never had a full and frank discussion. Where we are now has been a twisty twisty road, and I expect quite a few more twists to come!
Btw, I kind of consider IUI to be quite 'natural' (bear with me) in that the mechanics of the process are more or less the same as the old fashioned way. Sure there are some drugs, and some sperm washing, but no one is harvesting anything, so I consider it to just be a helping hand in giving the best possible chance.